I have wanted to write about so many things lately, but what took precedence lately is the tragic earthquake in Nepal. There is a documentary coming out shortly about the work of a dear Nepalese friend, the amazing Narayan Shrestha who founded Helping Hands Health Education. It premiers June 1st, in Colorado, and I was about to RSVP when the earthquake struck. Narayan happened to be in the area around Katmandu on that fateful day but luckily survived. His work and that of the organization take on a whole new meaning now as this devastation is embraced and transmuted.
I never made it to Nepal unfortunately but remember, as a youth, being enthralled by the accounts written by Alexander David Neel as she pioneered her way through the Himalayas. My own destiny would involve a sojourn out of Hollywood to a different mountain many years later – Japan, where I spent a year of volunteer service that changed the course of my life. Ironically, it was 2 years ago on the same mountain – Misono – where I would meet Narayan for the first time and discover his amazing legacy (see http://www.shumeimagazine.org – volume 301 – Helping hands in Nepal and Nicaragua).
…And so these past weeks I have found myself in various places with my feelings… and meditations took me to distant mountains yet again. Laying aside my own continual journey of healing – suddenly I was connected to the grief of this nation…..and in those moments I felt a warmth of love and compassion flow through me, as I imagined so many hearts still beating beneath the rubble….so many souls that were returning home… Much like a body´s experience of healing cancer, there are many paths to renewal, but the answers oft-times lie buried deep within the terrain of one’s emotional body. At present I myself feel as if I am currently searching through the rubble that once was a pair of breasts. However I was still alive and kicking where so many were not…and as usual a familiar bright white light sought to guide me back to my own world, and thereafter that is what I have held for those suffering – a bright light to believe in….So bright that it’s magnificence banishes all pain…That is one thing this disease has gifted me with – the ability to forbear, to endure…to hold onto the hope no matter what, and to commune with this light whenever and however possible.
There will be more and more of these humanitarian ‘happenings’, and we are all connected in some way so we need to hold the frequencies of the massive grief, and transmute them. And sure enough – five days into the tragedy – a miracle – as a beautiful baby was pulled from the rubble alive! That did a lot to light up my heart I can tell you!
In the meantime, whilst trying to retrieve what was the beginnings of the latest blog, I open a file and find these words :There’s something now that you would far prefer not to notice. But you can’t entirely ignore it and, ultimately, that’s just as well. It won’t go away if you pay it no attention yet if you now open your eyes and face a difficult issue bravely, you can clear it up.
The word ‘auspicious’ springs to mind, and I at once equate it with my particular health conundrum. The phrase ‘clear it up’, could apply directly to the condition of my chest wall area’, extending to my left breast. I know it is all connected to the episode of breast ‘cancering’, but what prevails now and causes most discomfort is the open wound aspect; and how to manage and effect healing thereof. This topic is not something readily discussed in today’s usual breast cancer reports; what with lumps, biopsies, and mastectomies filling the pages as more and more women are diagnosed.
So …..plunging right in then – the latest venture… Alongside my own health concerns comes that of my partner’s Javier. Having recently confronted the high – 26- PSA count on Javier´s recent prostate biopsy we decided to drive up to the house in Asturias, Northern Spain, for a couple of weeks to commune with nature and albeit the nature of things……… When last I wrote, the whole GcMaf saga was underway. That blog for some technical fault did not make it onto my site, but was posted as per usual through Facebook (for those wanting to read it.) Cutting a long story short I was unable to continue on the Goleic (GcMaf). Since the company First Immune, whom I had an agreement with has now changed hands and the product is illegal in the UK there remains an ongoing fight to re-instate it. Hope prevails as always but I must say that it all put a serious strain on things, as I was enthusiastic about my decision to go with the ‘MAF’. It was back to the drawing board yet again……(no wonder people just opt for the easier move and leave it all up to their doctors to make decisions, schedule the usual chemo, radiation and pharmaceuticals). But this was not me. I had always deeply connected to the idea that our lives are intrinsically guided. Certainly when I look back at the first decade following my diagnosis, through reading parts of my book, I realise how very much of the healing came through dreams and ceremony, spiritual healing, and being in touch with nature. Keeping a journal and expressing myself through art was a big saviour in itself. There was not the same awareness about ‘alternative’ approaches in the UK in 2001. I relied on so much I had learnt in California when I lived there. Now of course we are fortunate to have seen a big change, and have all manner of advice and testimonials at our finger tips. ´Cancerucan´, being a fine example; but not when it comes to choices within the NHS. We are still lagging behind.
And so…..arriving in Asturias with this immense wound, I have had to rely once again on what is available. Fortunately – I have been keeping on a maintenance dose of Cannabis oil, and with the GcMaf out of the equation I am increasing the dosage. Since I do not plan to be out socially I can handle the effects. The whole idea of embracing the Gc MAF was so that my body could rebuild itself from inside. At the clinic in Switzerland I was made aware of the importance of keeping a check on my body fat index, and introduced to MAPS (master amino acid) to increase my muscular strength. I have become used to the ketogenic diet but it’s taken a while to get my head around going back to dairy, after being without it for so long. Having read many reports stating that the negative aspects of milk are boiled away during the yogurt fermenting process, I am now making and eating the delicious Bravo probiotic yogurt as it does contain lower levels of the ‘maf’. It’s not cheap but my body yearns for it and I try to buy fresh organic goats milk whenever possible. Another new addition to my list is fulvic acid – about 8 drops a day. I was certainly in need of some inspiration when along came the wonderful series by TY Bollinger ‘The Truth about cancer’. My spirit soared to hear from like-minded individuals, doctors and survivors alike, who are blazing trails for less invasive ways to deal with cancer and other life-threatening diseases. More and more people were living, and not just surviving, but repairing their immune systems and living to tell their tales…
Thankfully I can still manage to travel back and forth between Spain and England, and Asturias seemed the perfect retreat. Here I can take time to hone in on whatever nature points to and that’s that. TRUST… I have promised myself to pick lots of herbs from what is growing wild on the land. Not an abundance but a daily basket of red clover of which I am completely out of, having given away and consumed last year’s harvest. There is plenty of cleavers which is great for the lymph; sage, and a good supply of dandelion greens, and nettles……I’d best not get too carried away or I will not write and that’s a promise too.
Over the course of the last six years since completing my book I have had to deal with a ‘chest wall’ recurrence following the surgery I finally succumbed to in 2012. Luckily I have continued on a maintenance of medicinal cannabis oil, and am now attempting to triple up on that which pretty much means being a little ‘out there’……hence our trip to Asturias where I can hide out, and not feel as if I have to save the planet.
I’m into my 14th year now with this ‘healing and regeneration’, and only just now feeling that I am truly becoming whole again, although I doubt I will ever have the new breast of my long-ago imaginings. My body has undergone immense challenges as I’ve sought hard to find treatment for my particular journey through breast cancer, and I am simply grateful to be alive, with or without certain pieces missing. And so…..apologies for presenting this with no editing……..otherwise another month may pass by. With love light and healing for us all!