Time to be who you really are.

February 27th 2017

Well – here we go again…..the first blog of 2017!

It was good to wake up this morning and feel that a fog had lifted.  After remembering a surprising dream, I hurried along with the usual morning ritual before hitting the streets to spend time in the local cafe where I tend to be able to summon the muse.  Perhaps today I could actually get on with another blog post.

It’s a sunny day here in Barcelona, and after several weeks of low energy and albeit hibernation from social activity, perhaps the extra ‘floradix‘ iron supplement has finally kicked in and is boosting my creative juices.

The plan is to jump on a bike and cycle to my destination, but since the local Humana, charity shop is having a 2 Euro sale – a quick detour and I’m in!  Just a hurried look- see as I don’t want to lose the memory of last night’s dream.  My focus is soon diverted however when a beautiful little African child, knee high to me catches my attention.  With an enormous bright smile, she motions at me to ‘shhhhhhh’, as she takes cover under a rack of clothes.  It doesn’t take long to locate the mother, laden down with another baby straddling her hips, one eye on the clothes and the other on her little daughter’s whereabouts.  Spotting a tentative bargain I lift it from the rail, TIME TO BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE ‘ states the message boldly imprinted on the front.  Since I’m not one to wear slogans I take it then as a personal message from the gods óf humana……That’s just how my mind works as we well know!

Mmmmmmmmm…..Just who am I then?

We’ll hold that thought for a deeper excavation as by this time the little girl has found someone to play hide and seek with – Me.  And that’s a big part of who I am….the child at heart!  I play the ‘hide and seek’ game for a while wishing I had a camera to record the delight on her face, but I really do need to get on and write.   Giving her the usual ‘bye bye’, accompanied by the universal hand gesture,  I make for the door.  But no….she’s intent on following her new found friend and before I know it she is running towards me, having taken a half-sucked sweetie out of her mouth,  reaching out to give it to me….no doubt in a bid to make me stay. ´Oh my God´, – in an instant my heart is so touched by this innocent gesture, and the willingness to part with her precious candy,  I fight to keep back the tears.  Hopefully she can understand my refusal, and with another universal gesture of blowing kisses,  we part.  Our paths will probably never ever cross again, but meeting this little stranger has lifted me way high!

The truth is my attention has been on so many causes this year since the ‘unmentionable’ took power in America.  But waking up this morning I feel a new me arising, determined to take some of that power back!  God knows what that little girl’s story is but she is a human with obvious joy in her heart, and more than ever I feel just how fleeting this life is – and YES it is time to be who we really are loving humans without hatred and walls.  That in itself is enough for any lifespan on our precious earth.   But since I’ve always aspired to the impossible, deep inside I know there is more to contribute…..more to share.

“On yer bike then!”, and that little inner voice spurs me on to remember last night’s dream!

Well OK…..but I have to set the scene first.

It’s February 27th, the day after the Academy Awards, always an emotional time for me – long story – but I gate-crashed the Academy Awards governor’s ball the year ‘Rocky’ won best picture -1977.  As a budding actress at that time, studying at the Lee Strasberg theatre institute with fellow thespians, we were all inspired by that film and it´s hero.  Who knows what I was expecting to achieve crashing the oscars like that, except I had my sights set on meeting Warren Beatty.  It seems like a million years ago now but at the time I had been captivated by his image playing Clyde Barrow in ´Bonnie and Clyde´….well alright I had a mad crush on the guy, and heard he was to make the film Heaven Can Wait.  Julie Christie got that part  (I was too young at the time to even be considered – go figure!)  but bottom line is I did achieve the goal of meeting him that night and a few years later I was to work with him on Bugsy.  Thinking back now to my time in Hollywood….everything seemed possible, and for a while at least I lived and breathed in the real La La Land, never thinking for one minute that my dream would not come true !

But here’s what’s interesting – the dream I had in the early hours of February 27th, found me back at the ‘Governor’s ball’, this year 2017, that’s 40 years later – and with no other than Emma Stone, the young actress who won an Oscar for her role in ‘La La Land’.  In the dream, for some odd reason the barman was refusing to serve her and so I shared my glass of water with her, whilst rattling on about ‘once upon a time in the long ago ‘La LaLand’ of my reality before she was even born.

It was a short dream, but given my history, it left me once again pondering  its significance.  Possibly none at all!  But then the plot thickens – I was awake around 5 am that morning unable to sleep so I tuned my computer in to the ‘Oscars’ live feed in the guardiannews.online.  Emma Stone had just won the best actress award, no big surprise there although I was kind of hoping to see what Meryl had to say were she the winner.  Every few minutes there was a written update on the next award, so it was exciting to think that even though I could not see it live, it was all happening at that very moment.  I hadn’t been expecting to see Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway announcing the winner for the best film, and since the live feed took a while to actually load the video of what happened next, I was kind of lost in the reality of how the years had chiselled Mr. Beatty, now in his 80’s, and me a senior citizen.

Since I had given so much of my youth’s energy to that time in Hollywood it should be no surprise that I continue to have these kind of dreams.  The deeper excavation tells me that they come to remind me of my ability to BELIEVE.  That I can use that same power of my mind to stop the growth of tumours in my body, and ‘switch off the cancer’.    A few days later I had two dreams back to back wherein ash appeared to me. It didn’t dawn on me until last week that we are in the season of Lent, symbolised by ash and signifying the need to give something up.  No guesses then as to what I’m choosing to let go of!

Well, that´s something.  I was almost to the end of the blog and hadn´t mentioned the ´c’ word once!

Since we’re on the subject then let me fast forward here now, almost 2 weeks later and I am back in the UK.  And yes….the amazing sunsets from my window, and constant activity of birds in flight.  There’s lots of time for silent reflection on ‘who am I now….and what indeed is my next mission – should I choose to accept.

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Let me use the example of what happened to Anita Moorjani, author of Dying to be me.  I had known of her story for years but it wasn’t until recently with so many of my own circle of friends talking about the possibility of death, that I found myself ordering the book and watching her many talks on YouTube.  In  2006, Anita’s prognosis was very grave, and with a body full of tumours, some as big as lemons, she slipped into a coma and was given days to live.  During this time she was aware of everything happening around and beyond the physical.  Four days later she was to come out of the coma and the doctors could find no trace of cancer.  Anita’s life was completely changed and she has gone on to inspire others in telling of her experiences.Over the years  I have heard of many such experiences, and in the early years of my diagnosis I was so determined to find that complete cure.  With the passing of time and circumstances, I allowed myself to be content with the fact that I was ‘living with cancer’, after sixteen years of dealing with it, when so many I know have died with it. One only has to read my book, and subsequentially these posts to see that I have actually been doing a whole lot of living, despite the prognosis.  Perhaps it was time now to fly a little higher with my expectations.

Taking time to read Anita’s inspiring story has re-awakened something in me.  Reading the introduction by the wonderful Wayne Dwyer, triggered a memory I had of meeting him on a sandy beach in Florida, shortly after his first book ‘Your Erroneous Zones’, hit the best seller list over 40years ago.  I say ‘meeting him’, but in actual fact, our beach towels were less than a stone’s throw away, but I was too shy to introduce myself that day.  His death in 2015 was a sad loss as his work has inspired so many – but reading the account of how he came across Anita’s story is a testament to the fact that we are all indeed connected, and I can only believe that his work continues with others in the realms beyond.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  Wayne Dyer

And so………………having had this time of hibernation I feel a new sense of possibility arising.   My iron levels have improved drastically – from 74 to 126 so I am harnessing new energy.  Last night’s dream brought a little yellow bird that flew around only to land in a vase of water. It’s little head was submerged, and when I managed to rescue it, seemed completely lifeless.  Holding it in the palms of my hands I refused to believe it had died, and kept stroking it gently until a puff sound echoed from it’s tiny chest and life lifted it up again, to fly around the room.  Tiny multi-coloured feathers were hailing down around me. I ran to get some sunflower seeds and water to keep it nurtured, but then I awoke.  Some dreams really do inspire and I am so happy that lately I am back in that realm again – the realm where even the impossible is possible!

On that note – I shall turn my mind to projects on the near horizon.  The little African girl’s smile comes back to remind me that in May in Crestone Colorado, I am helping my sister to exhibit her amazing art – a collection of indigenous children – whose time has come to shine forth.

And for me another short visit back to the Oasis of Hope hospital in Mexico to get the dendritic cell vaccine .  More on all that later.

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With so much uncertainty in the world, these are trying times for all of us.  No matter what our circumstances, it is so important to nurture new life that we can believe in! We are all connected after all, and there’s so much living and loving yet to be done!                                                                            As above, So below………..xxx